Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?