Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
first you must answer his riddles
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion