Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton