me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you鈥檙e snowed in.
I鈥檝e been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I鈥檝e created a monster
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I used to be married, but I鈥檓 better now
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn鈥檛 see anything it wants in you either.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.