me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.