Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.