Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.