Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.