ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.