me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”