Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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Ferrari squats
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The most important meal of the day is the next one
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
saving face 👀
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.