Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Britain be like
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”