@Tommytoughstuff

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

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@gojarbe

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

@TheHatStore

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@EndhooS

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@Book_Krazy

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.