Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?