Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*