me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out