ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*