Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!