Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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Birds & Planes.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.