me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.