me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
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[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.