ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.