me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT