Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
me when the borders lift
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy