me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”