Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
You Might Also Like
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed