Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Mouse
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
The dark side of Canada
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”