me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.