me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.


[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”


[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.


Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.


Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.


For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you



Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …


All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.


Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’