Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.