Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox![]()
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp