Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
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You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Monday Lisa
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there