Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
going to the ER y’all need anything