Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
You Might Also Like
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.