ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD