Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff