Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.