me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken