Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.