Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
set yourself free xox
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!