me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
that’s really how it is
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
somebody come look at this
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
found my next D&D character name
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain