Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.