Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
You can’t rush stupid.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”