Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
That time Alicia messaged me
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered