me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You Might Also Like
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants