Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
#TopTip
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here