ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You Might Also Like
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Sniffing the broccoli
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers