Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE