Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Give a baker flours on your first date.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life