me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me driving through Toronto
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.