ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
You Might Also Like
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never