Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen